Life is full of seeming interruptions that come along and derail us from our plans. An illness or a surgery with a long recovery can quickly take us off course. An unexpected job loss or the death of a loved one can have the same effect, as can a simple unexpected call or visit. When these types of surprises occur, it can be easy to get upset about them, thinking, “Oh no! Now I’m not going to finish what I started,” or, “I don’t have time for this.” But maybe they should stir us to do a gut check to assess what’s most important: the people or completing the task at hand? Those who are people people have less issue switching gears when circumstances like these cross their paths than task-oriented people like me do. But I have learned over the years the importance of prioritizing people over tasks. And I’m thankful for that. One day not too long ago, my daughter asked me to play a board game with her and her boyfriend. My initial thought was, “No, I want to do what I had planned.” But as I considered her proposal, I realized I was given an option I don’t often have because my daughter is gone a lot when I’m home and home when I’m gone. My kids have grown up quickly, and now I wish I had taken better advantage of opportunities such as these I had while raising them. I don’t want to wish that about these times too, so I relented and played the game. And you know what? I made a fun connection with my daughter and her boyfriend. When someone invites you to do something, it’s a privilege. It indicates their value of you and their desire to spend time with you. Do you take advantage of those privileges? Or do you let them pass you by? Even seemingly negative circumstances, such as health issues, can be rewarding with the right mindset. For example, my husband had ankle surgery, leaving him in a state of dependence for more than two months. During that recovery period, I worked at lovingly serving him. Sure, it was trying at times, but it was also fulfilling. Because when we take our eyes off ourselves to focus on those around us, everybody benefits. I don’t remember what I had planned that day that I didn’t get to. But I do remember having a fun, special time with my daughter.
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Photo: AberdeenDiversity Empathy can be hard to come by unless you experience firsthand what others do. When it comes to blindness and visual impairment, that’s nearly impossible short of an accident or a debilitating illness. Until now. Many organizations are holding events such as “Dinner in the Dark,” where sighted attendees are asked to eat their meals blindfolded. Menu items are read aloud, and instructions are given as to how to navigate one’s plate and place setting, using clock positions for reference. This gives people with sight a small taste, literally, of what it’s like not to be able to see. I attended one such event put on by the Arizona Center for the Blind and Visually Impaired and found it quite eye-opening, pun intended. And to be honest, I didn’t like the experience. I felt isolated and left out. It was difficult to keep up with conversations around me, especially with the normal restaurant din. As an introvert, I found it that much more challenging. Despite that negative sentiment, I felt free from societal pressure of those around me, as I couldn’t see if people were criticizing me or my actions with their looks. I lacked the social cues to tell me I shouldn’t be doing things a certain way. I left that event much more grateful for my sight, but also more appreciative of my friends who are blind and visually impaired. They live in a sighted world not designed for them and are often treated as second-class citizens. But it’s not their fault they have visual impairments. No one wakes up one day and says, “I’d like to be blind the rest of my life.” If you ever get the opportunity to attend one of these types of events, I highly recommend it. It’s life-changing. I’m more determined now than ever before to treat people who are blind and visually impaired the way I would have liked to have been treated as a temporarily blind person: included and important. Photo: DirtyBootPrints “Let it go.” The theme song from Disney’s “Frozen” kept playing in my head. I wanted so desperately to hold on, to maintain control, to ensure accuracy and consistency. I was about to embark on a new endeavor. Conflicting emotions swirled in my head: excitement about the new challenges ahead but sadness at the loss of what I had built over the previous three years. Would this move be a good one for me? Would everything I had worked so hard to cultivate fall apart after my transition? Or had I created a strong enough foundation that would withstand the winds of change? Only time would tell. I had to trust and believe in the best-case scenario. And I had to let my concerns go. I wasn’t really in control anyway. It was a façade. But I liked to think I was. And I liked to think I had made a difference, had left my mark, had left things better than I found them. When we’re stuck in the nitty-gritty, sometimes it’s hard to take a step back to see the bigger picture. What had I truly done in the past three years? I considered that and jotted down a list. As I evaluated my accomplishments from a higher perspective, I realized I had done more than I originally thought. But was it enough? It didn’t feel like that much. But then if it had, I might have lost my drive to continue trying to make an impact and sat on my laurels, satisfied. “The tragedy of life is not found in failure but complacency,” said Benjamin E. Mays, a late American pastor. “Not in you doing too much, but doing too little. Not in you living above your means, but below your capacity. It’s not failure but aiming too low that is life’s greatest tragedy.” To be honest, I had been on the verge of complacency. I didn’t want to get to that point. I don’t ever want to arrive at that point. I want to continue to strive to do better — and to help those around me in the process. Photo: Mike Engel “In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity.” Those words were coined by a man named Sun Tzu, a Chinese general who lived from 544 to 496 BC and is credited as the author of “The Art of War.” Although when Sun Tzu spoke those words, he likely did so in a military reference, his words struck a chord with me because, as an editor, my job is to make order of chaos. That’s not to say all writing is chaotic; it certainly isn’t. But grammatical errors and misspellings can sometimes be construed as chaos, and can leave a reader befuddled. Yet in that seeming chaos, there is opportunity. A confusing sentence could have a variety of possible meanings. “In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity.” In chaotic events in our lives, there is also opportunity. When a woman receives a breast cancer diagnosis, she can take on a victim mentality and feel sorry for herself, or she can choose to be positive and fight the cancer with all of her might. When you lose a loved one, there is opportunity to keep that person’s memory alive by sharing his or her story, furthering a cause that was near and dear to his or her heart, and/or pouring into the lives of his or her immediate family members. When you find yourself stuck in a traffic jam, there is opportunity to listen to a podcast or an audio book, or to sing at the top of your lungs to your favorite playlist. When it feels like your world is caving in around you, there is opportunity to be a light to others who are experiencing a similar situation. When you’re a parent of multiple young children, it can feel pretty chaotic. Yet there is opportunity to invest in the lives of those little ones, knowing their youth is temporary. Someday you’ll look back and wish you could relive some of those times. No matter what you’re dealing with or going through, there is opportunity in it, if you’ll just look for it. The Merriam-Webster Unabridged Dictionary defines opportunity as “a combination of circumstances, time, and place suitable or favorable for a particular activity or action; an advantageous circumstance or combination of circumstances especially when affecting security, wealth, or freedom: a time, place, or condition favoring advancement or progress.” More often than not, we think of times of chaos in a negative light. Maybe we just need to change our mindset, realizing those times actually favor advancement or progress. Photo: Dumleedoo “Leave a little sparkle wherever you go.” That’s how the vice president of marketing at my workplace ended an inspirational message to the marketing team. And it stuck with me. When I think about sparkles, I think of glitter and sequins. Shiny things that shimmer in light. Personally, I find glitter quite annoying because it’s hard to get rid of. But it leaves an undeniable sparkle wherever it lands. When light hits even a small speck of it just right, the glitter glistens and gains the attention of anyone who sees it. “Leave a little sparkle wherever you go.” Similarly, your life touches lots of lives every day, and you leave your mark on those lives. Whether in person, over the phone, or online, the way you carry yourself can make a difference in someone’s day for better or worse. You have the power to leave a sparkle, a bright spot in another’s life — just as you have the power and opportunity to leave a dark spot. Either way, you’ll be remembered. Why not be remembered for good? Think about the lives that have touched yours and left a positive impact. You likely still smile when you think about those encounters. I know I do. We’re blessed with the capacity to carry memories with us. Even just a brief encounter can have a lasting impact, like the stranger I met who told me she appreciated me. I had the privilege of speaking to a breast cancer support group recently. The ladies there said they found me inspirational and enjoyed my presentation. I guess you could say I left a sparkle with them. But I really enjoyed meeting them and getting to share an hour of my day with them too. They inspired me and left a sparkle with me. And that’s the beauty about leaving a little sparkle wherever we go: It’s reciprocal. Two sparkle carriers can’t help but leave a positive impact. What kind of impression are you making on those around you? Photo: Somchit Nandee “I can’t control my reactions,” I once told my husband. How else could I explain my furrowed brow, wrinkled nose, and rolled eyes after something he said? It’s not like those responses were voluntary. Were they? If I disagreed with something he said, it showed on my face. And that indicated to him that I had stopped listening to what he was saying, closed to any idea that might actually be worth hearing. But if I’m not responsible for my reactions, who is? Can someone else’s words have that much power over me? Should they? Mind Over Matter I have since learned (and really knew all along) that I can control my reactions. It’s a choice. No one’s holding me at gunpoint saying, “You must show a look of disgust.” Although that look may be the easiest response, I can make myself keep a straight face and try to be open-minded. It just takes more effort on my part. Our minds are more powerful than we may realize, capable of retraining our brains to react in positive ways. People have overcome suicide, depression, and fears of heights and other things by changing their thought patterns. I’ve seen co-workers and friends take a deep breath and come up with just the right words in a subdued response to keep a conversation from escalating. Saying I have no control over my emotions is a cop-out. Like my friends and co-workers, I can have a measured response that will avert anger. In light of that, I have since had to tell my husband three words I’ve grown better at saying over the years: I was wrong. But I also had to say three words he’s grown to love: You were right. What about you? How can you react better today? Photo: TeresalaLoba I find myself saddened by actions some of my friends have taken that I had no control or influence over. And you know what? My friends probably have no idea their actions have had this effect on me. It’s not something they did to me or because of me. In fact, it had absolutely nothing to do with me. But it affected me greatly nonetheless. “No man is an island.” We’ve heard that saying many times, but often when we make choices, we forget that truth. We don’t weigh the consequences of our decisions and even our inactions on our friends and family. And why should we? We have to make our own choices and live with the consequences ourselves. We don’t take the time to assess how our actions might affect a friend or even an acquaintance. But should we? We’re connected in more ways than we realize. And some people are more sensitive than others. Whether we recognize it or not, the actions we take every day affect not only ourselves, but our loved ones too — and even those we don’t know. Think about your last drive on a freeway. Your trip was affected by strangers ahead of you, next to you, and even behind you. The same is true at the grocery store and many other places. What you do is more powerful than you know. People are watching you and influenced by you even when you don’t think they are. That means you have responsibility. What are you going to do with that? This week, I challenge you to be more intentional with your decisions. Remember, you’re not an island. Your actions have a ripple effect. What are you leaving in your wake? Photo: Gerard Fritz I had a book signing at my cancer center last week, and no one showed up. I could have left extremely disappointed, but I didn’t. I enjoyed the time I had there chatting with the social worker. And I left more enriched because of it. Later in the week, I had a lunch date with a former co-worker. I hadn’t seen her in probably three months or longer. We picked right up where we left off and had a great conversation. I left there extremely encouraged. These encounters reminded me we need people in our lives. A popular Mandisa song says, “We all bleed the same. We’re more beautiful when we come together.” It’s about the humanity that unites each and every one of us. I recently heard someone say, “I’m an extroverted introvert or an introverted extrovert. I love people, but I need downtime to recharge.” I find myself in that same boat. I used to be a shy kid. I wouldn’t look people in the eye and certainly wouldn’t initiate a conversation. After seeing a television program about overcoming shyness, which stressed the importance of looking people in the eye, I made myself start to do that. It was hard and scary at first, but over time, it really helped. To the point that today I’m no longer afraid of people. (Of course, it helps that I have a few decades of life under my belt.) These days, I realize the importance of those around me. And I’m working at making them feel valued, just as I want to feel valued. The truth is they are valued — and I want them to know it. I’m enjoying spending time with people. Despite that enjoyment, I do need downtime away from people to recharge. And when I get that, I have more to give to those I encounter. It’s important to have balance. I don’t think it was a mistake that no one showed up at my book signing. I think maybe that social worker and I needed that one-on-one connection. Photo: Mandy A funny thing happened to me recently. I received an invitation to join Instragram, a social media site I hadn’t yet signed up for. I decided to give it a whirl to see what it was all about. So I created an account. And that’s it. That’s all I did. I didn’t upload a photo or share anything. To date, I have 51 followers. I’m flattered, really, that these people think I’m worth following — and that they’re willing to follow me without seeing any posts from me. But perhaps their willingness is partly because a lot of them are my friends on Facebook, so they’re following me on Instagram based on my reputation there. It’s good to be followed, but it’s big responsibility to lead. Following is easy. You can just go with the flow. But followers need something or someone to follow, so leading can be a big deal — and a huge undertaking. And risky. And scary. What if a leader wants to lead but isn’t followed? My husband and I have been binge-watching seasons of “Survivor,” and we see that time and time again: people who want to lead but aren’t followed. If no one’s following, it’s pretty tough to lead. What makes a leader worth following? There are many views on what makes a good leader. Different people have different ideas of the best characteristics. I believe an effective leader displays four main traits: 1. Reliability. A leader must be able to be trusted. He or she needs to be consistent so that followers know what to expect. Someone who is dependable easily gains the respect necessary to lead others. 2. Good communication. Followers don’t always like to be left in the dark. They like to feel valued, and one way to show them their value is through keeping them informed. Oftentimes, it’s better to overcommunicate than to undercommunicate. 3. Open-mindedness. A good leader knows his or her opinion isn’t the only opinion. To lead others who have different thoughts and perspectives requires an openness to the ways they see life. Just because they view things differently doesn’t mean they’re wrong. 4. Humility. Although confidence is an important leadership quality, no one wants to follow someone who’s egotistical and uses a position to his or her advantage. A leader who stays down to earth and approachable will have a truer, more appreciative following. Photo: NaamPhoto Everyone wants to fit in. We learn social cues early on. As young as preschool and kindergarten age, we want to have friends and know we have a place in this world. That longing is magnified in junior high school, when it becomes more important to fit in with one group or another. And it extends into high school, college, and even the workplace. But have you ever encountered someone who didn’t quite fit in? What did you do in that situation? I passed a gal in a hallway at work who had a scowl on her face. Her body language said, “Don’t talk to me. I’m having a bad day.” So, I said a silent prayer for her and left her alone. But the next time I passed her, that scowl remained. I like to smile at people I come across, so I flashed her one. She didn’t smile back. I decided to make it my goal to get her to smile. Every time I passed her, I smiled. Her scowl stayed plastered across her face. I found the gal at a company outing alone, scowl prominent. I decided this was my chance. I walked up to her, introduced myself, and started a conversation. I found out what department she works in, how long she’s been with the company, and that she likes her job. I also learned her name. And I’m happy to say that before the conversation ended, a smile made its way across her lips — which, of course, made me smile. I’ve bumped into her in the hallway at work since that encounter, and now I say hi and use her name when I see her. She responds, and the scowl, her seeming defense mechanism, dissipates. I don’t know her full story, but I like to believe she just wants to fit in. Made to Be Different I don’t think that sense of wanting to fit in ever goes away. It’s something we cling to, even in the workplace. We forget that each of us is unique and has a different set of skills and talents. And each of those different skills and talents is needed to complement the others and make a comprehensive, well-equipped team. Some people are better at giving presentations than others. They speak eloquently and are able to think quickly on their feet. Others are better behind the scenes, analyzing data and trends. Some are really good at engaging people. Others are better at handling tasks. Some shine with the written word. Others have a gift for numbers. Some excel at coming up with fresh ideas. Still others can think through the potential effects of those ideas and keep the visionaries grounded, balancing them out. The bottom line is we need each other. If we were all the same, this world would be a pretty boring place. We can each learn something from those who look, act, and think differently than we do. We don’t necessarily have to agree with them, but it doesn’t hurt to explore their perspectives. It actually stretches us and helps us grow. The next time you feel inadequate or inferior to those around you, remember they need you. You see the world differently, and that’s not a bad thing. You can open their eyes to new horizons. And the next time you see someone who looks like he or she doesn’t fit in, I hope you’ll reach out to that person and help him or her form a sense of belonging. You’ll be glad you did. |
Lana GatesChristian, wife, mother of 5, breast cancer survivor, marathon finisher, writer and editor, author of "Help! I'm a Science Project" Archives
November 2018
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